A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.
~Author Unknown
http://youtu.be/CHzqYFtBSg4 Second Chance~Trisha Yearwood
http://youtu.be/q2gfiet4PtI Grow Old Along With Me~Mary Chapin-Carpenter
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach. ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
The last month has been true circle-of-life for my husband and I – filled with those moments that make up a lemniscate. Do you know that is? It’s the infinity symbol which looks like this: ∞. It’s a figure 8 laid on its side – two circles that flow into one another with no beginning or end. For me, within those circles are the ideas of life and death–happiness and sorrow – continually flowing into eternity. That’s what this last month has been for us.
My husband’s brother, Rick, suddenly—un-expectantly died at 56 years old last month. We traveled to Florida to memorialize him with family and friends and take comfort in one another as life dealt us a sorrowful time. Today, my sister-in-law, Kathy, is getting married, and we will be celebrating with family and friends as we watch her step into a new chapter, with a new family as life hands us a joyous occasion to welcome into our families history book. Circle of life.
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about what I wanted to say to her. I’ve been thinking a lot about when I got married, because it was 19 years ago this week, Monday to be exact, that my husband asked me to marry him. It was a life-changing question that came with a brick and a ring...in that order. It was memorable. I don’t know many women who were asked that momentous question with a brick as the lead-in, but that’s MY husband. He always thinks outside of the box. He brought me a dozen roses on Monday because it was an important day—still. Yeah. He continues to woo me, 19 years in. I’m blessed. I got myself a good guy. I know it. It’s important to have a good guy to travel through this life with. Kathy has found herself a good guy too.
I remember several years ago, when she got divorced. It was an unsettling time for her and for us, because when someone you love finds their life in complete turmoil, it’s upsetting. She’d been married for 20 years. She left with little to show for it except her greatest blessing: her daughter, our niece, Liz. I admired her courage for leaving. It’s a scary prospect for a woman in her 40's to do: uproot her life and start all over. Comes a time though when you’ve got to take a chance and believe that there’s something better out there for you than the life you’re currently living that’s weighing you down and getting you nowhere. It takes a leap of faith. I’ve got the faith, but Kathy is a better leaper than I am. I’d be lying if I said that we didn’t worry about her and what her future would bring as she began her life as a single lady.
Back then, Kathy and I use to play Farmville, a lot and she told me one night that she loved my farm. I laughed and told her that it was my perfect vision: a five acre parcel of land with houses on it for all of us in my family: my mom, siblings, us, her and Liz–close enough to get to each other if need be but far enough apart not to be intrusive. She laughed and told me how much she liked that idea.
“Well, let’s back-burner it,” I said, half in jest, half serious. Life. You never know where it’s going to take you. It’s good to have a back-up plan. My father always told me that.
Within the year, in walks, Paul and turned her world upside down—made her heart go pitter-pat and feel all the happy-giddy things similar to what happened to me when her brother walked into my life and turned my world upside down.
We’ve watched as their love has blossomed and grown – been challenged and tested. We invited them down so that my husband could do the “inspection”, which Paul passed with flying colors. We’ve gone up to vacation at their summer digs, and just recently we met up in New Orleans to blow the lid off as I reached my own milestone: 50 years, Baby! Good times. That’s what we’ve shared with them.
Throughout all of these exchanges, we have felt more and more like family. We love Paul, but more importantly, we like him! It’s a significant difference. I think my husband feels about Paul the way that my father felt about Tom: he couldn’t have done any better choosing someone if he’d handpicked him himself.
We were over the moon when Kathy called to tell us that Paul had asked her to become a Bethany. It was a prayer realized, and a blessing to know that our sister would not be journeying alone for the remainder of her life. Let’s face it: it’s a tough world out there. It’s hard to go it alone. Friends are great, and they make the journey we travel bearable and fun. But, it's a comfort –one of those inexpressible ones– to know when you reach out your hand, as you step out into the world and face life’s “stuff”, that there’s a hand, your heart's mate, reaching back to take yours.
Since I’m your older sister, Kathy, I guess the things that I want to say to you on this day are three things that were said to me at the time that I got married to your brother, coming up on 19 years ago. They were sage pieces of advice, and they are good things to remember as you live out your days together.
The first thing was said to me by my former boss, who left the hotel business we were both in at the time and went into the monastery in St. Louis to become a priest, which he is now. You met him at our wedding, Kathy, because he flew in to give a blessing and say a prayer at both our wedding and at the reception. He loved Kahlil Gibran, as do I, and this was a blessing he gave to us: “Today, you were born together, and together you shall be for evermore....but let there be spaces in your togetherness. And, let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” In other words, don’t be afraid to allow each other the freedom to breath and grow independently of the other. You are now two parts of the whole — your individuality doesn’t diminish who you are as a couple, it enhances it. Give yourselves room to feel the winds of heaven between you.
The next piece of advice I got was from my father who told me, “Sug, always remember that it’s easy to pick up the car keys and leave when the going gets tough, and it will get tough at times, but it takes your greatest fortitude to stay and work through problems when they arise. Remember in those difficult moments that you love each other and why you love each other. If you do this, you’ll see it through. If you need to reach for something when life and marriage becomes difficult to take, reach for each other.
There have been times when I’ve wanted to reach for those car keys, and I’m quite certain that you’re brother has wanted to reach for the keys too, because we have our human moments, but what we remember in the stressful times is that we have something that has always been worth fighting for and working for. It’s hard work – the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life! That’s what good marriages are made of though: hard work and devotion and showing up when you’d rather take a hike! But, it’s worth it! It means everything to have someone who you know is going to stick with it – good or bad – who’s going to be there for you even when the going gets tough! Just as I know that your brother is the one who I’m suppose to go the distance with, I know that you’ve found your distance mate in Paul and vice versa.
The last piece of advice that I want to give you was given to us by your brother, Rick. It’s the best piece of advice–the most important. He said, “Don’t ever forget that the two of you are the most important ones in your worlds!” And, he told us to just love each other. Family and friends are important, but you gave Paul your vow today, and Paul gave you his. That takes precedence over everything else! Always. Don’t ever forget it! It is as it should be! As long as the two of you keep each other first and foremost, you’ll be able to weather and handle whatever life throws at you.
Tom and I prayed several years ago that God would smile on you again with a love that was worthy of you, Kathy. That he would bless you with the gift of a man who respected you and honored you – that you would find a true partner to share the joys and sorrows of your life with. We hoped that you would find a man who made you laugh, who made your heart smile when he walked into the room, and who you could just have fun with, because it’s important to laugh and have fun, while you love your way forward through your years together. Laughter and fun are SO necessary! Whatever you do as you live your years together, keep the laughter vibrantly alive in your marriage. Lastly, we prayed that you’d find a man who would be your greatest comfort when life’s sorrows came. Paul stepped up to the plate on this one, before he even put his ring on your finger. He's a keeper! Just like my mother said to me about Tom.
Your brother and I are very happy, because OUR prayers have been answered regarding you and your future. It makes our hearts smile to see you so happy, Kathy! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy, and it’s a good thing to witness. You deserve it! We have felt an extra protectiveness over you these last few years, but now, we step back and allow your husband to be your protector.
On behalf of our family, Paul, we graciously and happily welcome you in as our brother.
God bless your love.
To my sister, I say joyfully that God has shown you favor today Kathleen Marie Perran Bethany! I know your Mom, Dad, and Ricky are smilin’ down cheering you on today, just as we are: “Here is your second chance, Kathy! Take it, and FLY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~”
Congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy life together....we love you both....
family, our brother, Paul Bethany....
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